Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.