My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
welp
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.