he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
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Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”