puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
You Might Also Like
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
This is my brand.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Facebook memories be like
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)