Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.