I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.