Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
step 6: release the wall snake
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura