I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
You Might Also Like
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse