Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
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[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
BRO LMFAO
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
oh you wanna fight?!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.