I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
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I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
This could’ve been an email.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
guilty
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
who did the taste test?