Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Actually cracking up @ this
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.