HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Seems kinda suspicious
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Me if I was a dog
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.