Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
The Wolf of Wall Street.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
This is a sub tweet
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks