Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Sharon I have some bad news
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!