We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.