1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass