The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
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[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
No. YOU-buprofen.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.