Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
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The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
this is how life feels
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Oh, I bet you would be