*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Mouse
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!