the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*