My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it