I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
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You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?