just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe