life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
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A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…