Them: Just act casual
Me:
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i’m sure it’s fine
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this