Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
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What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”