My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
The fall of Netflix
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
the #horror is real!
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?