My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
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Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
He is just living hist best little life 😊
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
normalize having existential bread
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
How all things should be taught/explained.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?