Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
do what now??
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed