(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I need to get some bricks…