(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I told my vodka about you.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*