Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”