What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
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Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I’m calling the cops.