My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
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Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease