Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
doing your own taxes
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
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