At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?