[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.