THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I was bored.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.