Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!