If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
True freaking story!
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight