I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
do what now??
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.