[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
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[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U