My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
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we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see