[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
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[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
craving $300 all of a sudden
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.