I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
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Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.