Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove