[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past