the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
You Might Also Like
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
was Jim off killing horses or…
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all