if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
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Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Buck naked
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Cats are still liquid.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
security at the airport getting more straightforward