Cats are still liquid.
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Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
work smarter, not harder
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My whole life was a lie.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
🖤✌🏽
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.