Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”