Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.